My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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