Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He has the fingertips of a God
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
