im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I bet he comes in French.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize