and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
