I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
