i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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