I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
