i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize