I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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