Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
