the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize