You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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