What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
