life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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