There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
