I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize