Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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