plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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