he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
