Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
