This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
