How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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