I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
