did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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