i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Still dying that you shit outside
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
