I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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