alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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