I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
