If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
