He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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