meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize