I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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