Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
