Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
