so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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