How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
