I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
