Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
