Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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