shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
