I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
