a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
