I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
