One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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