No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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