I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
