Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
