i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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