My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
