not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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