I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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