Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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