Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize