So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
