hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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