So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Randomize
