Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
