My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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