I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
