operation have a gay friend backfired
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My life is pants optional.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
