seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
